Lately I've been struggling. Not the hard struggle, the questionable struggle where you run around screaming at the heavens "What does it all mean?!" But the small struggles. Where you see something, you don't like it but you don't really know why it bothers you so much. So you dig. And digging hurts. It hurts to explore your own inner demons because you have to face that you're not in fact perfect (say what?) and you have to look this ideal in the eye and decide if what you've always thought is still 'right' or just 'right for you,' or heaven forbid, 'dead wrong.'
I've never liked begging. OK, fine, not begging. But asking for help.
Growing up, I have far more memories of me doing something by myself than I do of someone actively helping me.
Who taught my younger sister to tie her shoes? Wasn't mom or dad, it was me. Or the youngest her ABC's? Me, again.
I spent more time in my youth reading books and 'figuring things out on my own' than I did leaning on my parents.
For all intents and purposes, I was a latchkey kid. Except we grew up in a small town, so we didn't lock the doors, so no actual key.
I've always had an 'I'll figure it out' outlook on life. Homework? I'll figure it out. Cooking? I'll figure it out. Getting to and from college when I lived 45 minutes away and I had wrecked my car? I figured it out.
Plain and simple, I get shit done.
The problem is, this has created a myopic view on life. I tend to think that I can do anything. Bakery? Easy peasy. I can do that. Three wedding cakes in one day? Sure. Why not?
And most of the time, I can do these ridiculous things I have put forth for myself. Because I feel as if there is no other option.
The problem with this view is that I also feel that if I can do something, why can't anyone else? I did that, you should be able to, too. (forget that they have kids or less savings or live farther away or whatever else situational thing might be standing in their way that isn't in mine.)
So when I see people ask for help, I get upset. And I've come to find, it's two-fold.
1. I managed to do this [thing] alone, why can't they?
2. They get help. Help that I fear nobody would step up and give me if I had asked.
So I continue alone.
And alone is tiring. And obviously, lonely.
5.15.2013
4.24.2013
Cake Cred- Celeb Style
I've simply resolved that I just wont be over here nearly as much as I used to be. And that means that you guys have to pass your days without knowing every waking thought that passes through my tangled brain.
You're probably ok with that.
It's ok.
But, I do want to jot down the big stuff. The OMG I want to remember this moment and what it meant to me.
I had my first Ace of Cakes moment last week.
Thats right, I made a cake for a celebrity. And I know this is a big deal because my klout score climbed to 68. (Ok, I don't care about klout, its obviously really stupid. It must be if I'm 'succeeding' at it. But it makes me laugh.)
One of my really awesome clients found out that George Takei would be in town and touring their facility last Thursday and that Saturday was his birthday. So they called me for the cake. After a bit of discussing, it was decided that we must do the Starship Enterprise. (although a true Star Trek geek friend pointed out that it should have been this other ship that he was captain of. And yes, several other geeks later pointed that same thing out. Regardless, Enterprise, it was.)
So I went home and Brad and I made the supporting base Tuesday night. Wednesday I decorated it and they picked it up first thing Thursday morning.
I'm not going to go into the frustration of keeping those little thingy attached at the back. (I think I saw someone call them 'nacelles') We built the frame quickly and they weren't attached well. I was scared one might fall off. Thankfully, it didn't.
Thursday was a good day (totally making up for the frustration of the day before) And now, I have a cool photo to put into one of the many frames on my bakery wall!
You're probably ok with that.
It's ok.
But, I do want to jot down the big stuff. The OMG I want to remember this moment and what it meant to me.
I had my first Ace of Cakes moment last week.
Thats right, I made a cake for a celebrity. And I know this is a big deal because my klout score climbed to 68. (Ok, I don't care about klout, its obviously really stupid. It must be if I'm 'succeeding' at it. But it makes me laugh.)
One of my really awesome clients found out that George Takei would be in town and touring their facility last Thursday and that Saturday was his birthday. So they called me for the cake. After a bit of discussing, it was decided that we must do the Starship Enterprise. (although a true Star Trek geek friend pointed out that it should have been this other ship that he was captain of. And yes, several other geeks later pointed that same thing out. Regardless, Enterprise, it was.)
So I went home and Brad and I made the supporting base Tuesday night. Wednesday I decorated it and they picked it up first thing Thursday morning.
Thursday was a good day (totally making up for the frustration of the day before) And now, I have a cool photo to put into one of the many frames on my bakery wall!
4.16.2013
Is this purse too fluffy to go with these shoes?
I find that I so rarely wear dresses that I must commemorate the occasion with a photo.
Ignore the umbrella in the background.
And the sock.
I had a lovely purse that matched all of this, not photoed.
I also painted my nails. They're already destroyed.
Ignore the umbrella in the background.
And the sock.
I had a lovely purse that matched all of this, not photoed.
I also painted my nails. They're already destroyed.
4.02.2013
3.06.2013
Why an army of one sucks.
I'll start by saying that this week was significantly better than last week. I had no major meltdowns, no angry customers and even though I ran out of pretty much everything supplies-wise, I did not have to make 20 trips to the grocery store. All of these things add to to a win in my book.
I think I've finally realized why this is so difficult for me, to pretty much do all of this by myself. It's not the workload, like you might think, it's the stress. Which, well, duh.
But think of it like this. Imagine, say Walmart. You have cashiers who are responsible for helping the customers. And that comes with it's own little annoyances. People who think they are ready to check out but aren't. Or they want to put something back or they forgot their checkbooks. After a particularly busy weekend, I can imagine a cashier could easily be at her wits end. Now imagine the manager who has to create the schedule and come up with solutions when someone doesn't show up for work or is late. Dealing with payroll, and customer complains when one of the cashiers goes off on a customer.
Now, consider the company responsible for creating all of the goods that are being sold. Worrying about quality control, production estimates, and demand. Then think about the owner or shareholders, worrying about the bottom line and profit distribution.
Now imagine that one person is responsible for all of this.
This is where I have my breakdown. There is so much to balance, I just don't know how to manage everything without feeling overwhelmed. Every single aspect of this business is stress-inducing, and I'm there absorbing every drop like a sponge.
I've always tangled with the idea that I am Sweet Love. That our identities are so entwined that they will never be separate. So when someone attacks me or my bakery, it's a double punch to the gut. I like to think that even a normal person would have a hard time with this. But me? It's worse. I have always considered myself highly empathetic. To the point if I see someone cut themselves, my nerve endings fire as if I sustained it myself. So even if, one day, far down the road I manage to pull apart the identity of the bakery from myself, I will still feel her wounds. It's simply in my nature.
Part of me wishes that I could work a callus over my heart. That I could be a cold, unfeeling person, who turns a blind eye and shrugs off others pain. Who could shrug off her own pain. To step outside of it all with a simple, "eh."
But I know that I can't. It's literally what makes me, me. And I know that it will never go away, but I'm working to make things like this sting less. I'm trying to change so that the hurt doesn't hurt as long. It is a painful process, change.
I talked to my therapist about all of this and his words were as such, "If change were easy, we would all do it. It's not. It's hard. If you're hurting, it means you're growing."
I just hate that this evolution is taking place in the public eye. Mind you, I don't have paparazzi following me. I don't have throngs of people flocking to my door pointing fingers and judging. And I know that to an extent, this is my doing, by bringing this story here, to the light of day; but I feel that having this outlet is more of a benefit than a hinderance, so I shall continue.
As my business plunges ahead into its second year, I feel it's an adolescent now. It's coming into its own, finding its voice and learning what it does and doesn't like. As it continues to grow and grow up, so shall I. One day I will look back at all of this and laugh. Laugh at my inability to bend, at the ridiculousness of being the least bit angry when surrounded by sugar, at the thought that I ever felt trapped by my own decisions. And I look forward to that day.
2.25.2013
Want to/Need to/Have to
I've talked about this before, my struggles among the things I want to do, the things I need to do and the things I have to do.
On any given day, I may want to experiment in the kitchen, but I need to fill the case, and usually, I have to fill a custom order.
And this sounds like the most obnoxious complaint ever, but it's frustrating. I AM THE MOST ANNOYING PERSON EVER, I realize this.
I'm whining because OMG, I have customers. And they want me to make them the things that they want.
I feel as if every day is a battle. A battle of the want/need/have.
But really it's a battle of me. The battle going on in my brain. The place where all the problems seem to happen.
My business has grown. It's amazing and at times, awe-inspriring. I mean, when I step outside of myself and what I've built, I think, holy crap, that's a lot of cupcakes, cakes and pies that I've made over the last year.
When you start a company with a 4,400 cookie order, you've set the bar very, very high. So when someone asks for 900 cookies or 800 muffins, you don't really bat an eyelash. Or at least I don't.
And maybe that's the problem. I think I can do too much.
Lately, I've had a few complaints. Seriously, a few. Like three. Which brings my grand total of complaints to like 7. Total for over a year. That's like less than one percent fail rate.
But all i see is FAIL.
It made me spend the weekend on emotional high alert. Like super tense. I hold stress in my core and it ultimately makes my back ache and my stomach hurt. I feel as if I can't breath. I have to force myself to take deep breathes and let them out. I was afraid at every turn that I was going to bump into a bad review or get a complaint via email or a phone call. Nothing ever happened.
Thursday was a rough day. Actually, rough does not begin to describe what Thursday was. Thursday was a turd sandwich thrown at me by an angry clown (singing a Taylor Swift song on repeat).
In retrospect, I don't know what made Thursday become THURSDAY, but it was. A culmination of yet another no-show interview on Tuesday, paired with a long day of wedding cake tastings on Wednesday made me not want to open on Thursday, so, I didn't.
And I knew this would eventually bite me in the butt. Sure enough, a woman calls me wanting to know why my sign says closed when my hours say that I should be open. I explain that my employee had not made it in yet. She says that she wants to place an order for tomorrow. I tell her that we don't take next day orders, so it doesn't matter. She says she just wants cupcakes, so come open the door.
FINE.
I go open the door. I'm NOT in a good mood. And this lady in the Range Rover is not making it any better. She proceeds to ask me what the favorite flavor is (she's never been here before), and I tell her that's a complicated question. She then asks me if I do mini cupcakes and that she wants those. I tell her that would be a custom order, so, no. She gets mad and leaves.
I return to baking where I become increasingly irritated to the point that I begin to give myself a migraine. I decide to call my therapist, because the last few sessions I've had, I've been in a good mood and he mistakenly believes that I am an emotionally stable person. And as I sit on the floor crying over a drill after having smashed an entire tray of macarons that failed, I am clearly not.
So I left where I ended up puking into the trash can in my therapists office. Which, incidentally, is just not something I ever want to experience again. I ultimately spent the remainder of the afternoon in bed, lamenting how behind I was going to be the next day.
I'm trying to change the me. But I've found that even though I think I roll with the punches, I clearly do not. Change does not come easily to me. I tend to think I have everything figured out. And I do, right up until the moment when things blow up in my face and I'm forced to see that I need to do something different.
And I simply can not stress how difficult this is for me. To adapt. To change. And to not bitch about it. (so I'm completely failing on that last front).
Brad thinks that the change needs to come in my processes at the bakery- he wants me to freeze my cake. And I refuse. I don't want to be the 'frozen bakery.' and really, I would still end up with a pile up of cakes on Friday when I begin decorating. He thinks I should use short cuts, and again, I don't want to. I like that everything is made from scratch and that it's all fresh. But this method is exhausting for me. And I know that mentally and physically I am at my breaking point. I know that I need help. And I've tried to find good help to no avail.
So without someone to lean on, I will have to learn how to lean on myself more than I already do.
On any given day, I may want to experiment in the kitchen, but I need to fill the case, and usually, I have to fill a custom order.
And this sounds like the most obnoxious complaint ever, but it's frustrating. I AM THE MOST ANNOYING PERSON EVER, I realize this.
I'm whining because OMG, I have customers. And they want me to make them the things that they want.
I feel as if every day is a battle. A battle of the want/need/have.
But really it's a battle of me. The battle going on in my brain. The place where all the problems seem to happen.
My business has grown. It's amazing and at times, awe-inspriring. I mean, when I step outside of myself and what I've built, I think, holy crap, that's a lot of cupcakes, cakes and pies that I've made over the last year.
When you start a company with a 4,400 cookie order, you've set the bar very, very high. So when someone asks for 900 cookies or 800 muffins, you don't really bat an eyelash. Or at least I don't.
And maybe that's the problem. I think I can do too much.
Lately, I've had a few complaints. Seriously, a few. Like three. Which brings my grand total of complaints to like 7. Total for over a year. That's like less than one percent fail rate.
But all i see is FAIL.
It made me spend the weekend on emotional high alert. Like super tense. I hold stress in my core and it ultimately makes my back ache and my stomach hurt. I feel as if I can't breath. I have to force myself to take deep breathes and let them out. I was afraid at every turn that I was going to bump into a bad review or get a complaint via email or a phone call. Nothing ever happened.
Thursday was a rough day. Actually, rough does not begin to describe what Thursday was. Thursday was a turd sandwich thrown at me by an angry clown (singing a Taylor Swift song on repeat).
In retrospect, I don't know what made Thursday become THURSDAY, but it was. A culmination of yet another no-show interview on Tuesday, paired with a long day of wedding cake tastings on Wednesday made me not want to open on Thursday, so, I didn't.
And I knew this would eventually bite me in the butt. Sure enough, a woman calls me wanting to know why my sign says closed when my hours say that I should be open. I explain that my employee had not made it in yet. She says that she wants to place an order for tomorrow. I tell her that we don't take next day orders, so it doesn't matter. She says she just wants cupcakes, so come open the door.
FINE.
I go open the door. I'm NOT in a good mood. And this lady in the Range Rover is not making it any better. She proceeds to ask me what the favorite flavor is (she's never been here before), and I tell her that's a complicated question. She then asks me if I do mini cupcakes and that she wants those. I tell her that would be a custom order, so, no. She gets mad and leaves.
I return to baking where I become increasingly irritated to the point that I begin to give myself a migraine. I decide to call my therapist, because the last few sessions I've had, I've been in a good mood and he mistakenly believes that I am an emotionally stable person. And as I sit on the floor crying over a drill after having smashed an entire tray of macarons that failed, I am clearly not.
So I left where I ended up puking into the trash can in my therapists office. Which, incidentally, is just not something I ever want to experience again. I ultimately spent the remainder of the afternoon in bed, lamenting how behind I was going to be the next day.
I'm trying to change the me. But I've found that even though I think I roll with the punches, I clearly do not. Change does not come easily to me. I tend to think I have everything figured out. And I do, right up until the moment when things blow up in my face and I'm forced to see that I need to do something different.
And I simply can not stress how difficult this is for me. To adapt. To change. And to not bitch about it. (so I'm completely failing on that last front).
Brad thinks that the change needs to come in my processes at the bakery- he wants me to freeze my cake. And I refuse. I don't want to be the 'frozen bakery.' and really, I would still end up with a pile up of cakes on Friday when I begin decorating. He thinks I should use short cuts, and again, I don't want to. I like that everything is made from scratch and that it's all fresh. But this method is exhausting for me. And I know that mentally and physically I am at my breaking point. I know that I need help. And I've tried to find good help to no avail.
So without someone to lean on, I will have to learn how to lean on myself more than I already do.
2.04.2013
boundaries
It's something I'm struggling with really, really hard right now. I love those businesses where you can walk in and know the owner. There's just something simple and small town and adorable about it. You know that there's care in everything when the owner has her own hands in everything (literally, in my case, of course).
But I feel like that's an adorable dream circa 1950. And here, today in 2013, with the technology we have available, it's somehow much, much different.
I love my twitter account. Like, I have an unnatural attachment to it. It's like carrying around 900 friends in my pocket, where at any given moment, I can strike up a conversation with any of them. And I love that. I bore easily and it keeps medistracted entertained throughout the day.
The problem is, there has always been, and always will be a blurry line between Sweet Love and Kelli Marks. And, I'll be honest when I say, I love that my name is automatically tied to my business. There are some local places that I love but have no clue who owns it or who the chef is or anything like that. I love that I am synonymous with my business. It's great, it's the brand that I have built.
And yet, at times, I want my privacy. I've started to notice people who are purely my customers (and not friends who also happen to get their baked goods from me) are starting to follow me on twitter. And now I have to think twice about what I tweet. I've always had a snarky side to me and I really like letting that loose on twitter. And while I try to never, ever make fun of a customer in a public realm, I have skated just on the edge of that with my personal account more than once. But now I feel the need to back off. To not say what I'm thinking. To sensor myself.
And that makes me sad. It makes me want to take my twitter account private. And I don't really want to do that.
I have enough to worry about not offending people with my language and my crazy opinions. But now I have to worry about potentially losing a customer because of my personal views. I feel like I have enough to worry about, I really don't need this too.
And I know, easy answer is don't tweet about business-related stuff. I work 70 hours a week, my life IS business-related stuff. And the occasional meal out. So to stop talking about that completely would be the end of me tweeting, basically. And I'm definitely not ready for that. So the question is, how do I deal with this?
But I feel like that's an adorable dream circa 1950. And here, today in 2013, with the technology we have available, it's somehow much, much different.
I love my twitter account. Like, I have an unnatural attachment to it. It's like carrying around 900 friends in my pocket, where at any given moment, I can strike up a conversation with any of them. And I love that. I bore easily and it keeps me
The problem is, there has always been, and always will be a blurry line between Sweet Love and Kelli Marks. And, I'll be honest when I say, I love that my name is automatically tied to my business. There are some local places that I love but have no clue who owns it or who the chef is or anything like that. I love that I am synonymous with my business. It's great, it's the brand that I have built.
And yet, at times, I want my privacy. I've started to notice people who are purely my customers (and not friends who also happen to get their baked goods from me) are starting to follow me on twitter. And now I have to think twice about what I tweet. I've always had a snarky side to me and I really like letting that loose on twitter. And while I try to never, ever make fun of a customer in a public realm, I have skated just on the edge of that with my personal account more than once. But now I feel the need to back off. To not say what I'm thinking. To sensor myself.
And that makes me sad. It makes me want to take my twitter account private. And I don't really want to do that.
I have enough to worry about not offending people with my language and my crazy opinions. But now I have to worry about potentially losing a customer because of my personal views. I feel like I have enough to worry about, I really don't need this too.
And I know, easy answer is don't tweet about business-related stuff. I work 70 hours a week, my life IS business-related stuff. And the occasional meal out. So to stop talking about that completely would be the end of me tweeting, basically. And I'm definitely not ready for that. So the question is, how do I deal with this?
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